who decided being gay wasn’t manly? gay sex is technically twice as manly, you are literally doubling the amount of men in it
*cops knock on door* “open up the door we smell marijuana” WHOEVER SMELT IT DEALT IT i scream at the door. *long pause* *police apologize* *muffled sound of handcuffs clicking outside*
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
So recently I hit 1k followers and that to me is a pretty great tumblr milestone. So to thank my followers, people who reblogged my posts and just anyone who has just supported me on this site I’ve decided to thank you guys by giving a little something back
What am I giving away?
Well I have seen a lot of my followers and people I follow really excited about the new Animal Crossing game. So it only makes sense I would be giving that away.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE
I will also be giving away a 3DS to the winner, the 3DS will come with all the furnishings *charger, stylus etc* AND the winner will get to choose what colour the 3DS will be.
You don’t need to be following me *but if you do you get to see my raw ass blogging skills on a regular basis* to be eligible and reblogs will count.
The contest will end June 20, 2013 and the winner will be picked that day
Also I will pay for the shipping to anywhere unless you live on mars or some ridic shit.
So let’s recap
- Get a chance to win Animal Crossing: New Leaf AND a 3DS of your colour preference
- Contest ends June 20th
So thank you all again for your support and being so cool.
I’m going to Disneyland at the end of the month and I thought I’d give Peter a letter with all the people that appreciate what he’s done for the children he meets every day. Reblog this and I’ll put your url in the letter. I don’t care how many notes this gets I will put everyone who likes or reblogs this in the letter. Show Pete we care about him!